I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
