Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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