Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
