I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
