he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
