I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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