When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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