her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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