mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
