I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
