Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You smell like stripper and shame
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
