Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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