Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
How does one acquire holy water?
Randomize
