Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
And then he peed in my hair
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