I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
