my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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