they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
