i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
