I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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