forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Did I show you my penis last night?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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