Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
