I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
