I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
