Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
