hotel room ftw
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
