Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
