Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
