Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize