This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize