he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
