i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
