Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Randomize
