I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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