A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
