Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
