absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
