I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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