I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
