I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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