We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
