that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
