I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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