This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
