No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
