Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
