Jerry, you need to find god
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
