You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
