just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
