I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
