Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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