So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
