I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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