Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
