can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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