halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
